Thanks for nothing, civalization: Edible Bras

Conceptually, I get it.  You want someone to mouth your breasts and need some sort of middleman.  I understand that people often need novelty items to spice up their sex lives.  I agree that the female body is a beautiful canvas on which many statements, whatever the sort, may be expressed.  What I am not into, however, is sticky food residue on any part of my body, and that includes the inside of my mouth.

 Candy bras like this are available at most all sex shops.  This is the standard-issue food bra, also available with a matching thong, wherein the candy actually does touch a mucus membrane.

 

Again, I don't understand the necessity of a bridge between the mouth of a lover of tit to a pair of them.  I think of myself as an exceedingly open-minded person, but can't we all just sleep together without so much excess and perishable paraphernalia?

 Horrifying.  Someone spent a lot of man hours on this.  There are people starving in parts of the world where bacon bras are not wasting food.  One nutritional novelty bra such as this could feed an entire family in Sri Lanka.  Nice bra, hope it'll hold a tough titty 'cause life's hard. 

 Here is an even more appalling version of the bacon bra.  This woman looks surprisingly at ease considering she has two rotting heads attached to her.

 I don't even like to touch raw meat with my hands, let alone meticulously arrange it or allow someone else to do so on me.  Roll out the good tartan, Jesco, we've got ourselves some art photos to take.

It would appear that the appeal of the meat bra applies not only to turf, but surf as well.

At least the food in this particular food bra is kept separated from the body with a layer of fabric.  It also helps that it is worn by a personable-looking cute Asian woman.

 It seems inevitable that human beings are going to feel the urge to put their signature mammal parts into fruits and vegetables of similar shapes.  It has most likely occurred when the first cave people figured out how to cleave their hollow plant pods in half.  After all, the coconut bra is a classic, and humans have been clothing themselves in other forms of plant matter for centuries.

This I am okay with for its impressive design and construction and also because it is not real food.  Unless it is real, in which I'd like to shake the hand of whichever brilliant kiwi farmer cultivated such fine monstrous fruits.

 As long as we're on the subject - look at this worrisome contraption.  This is a patented product designed for simultaneous tummy tightening and ass lifting.  Looking comfy and slim.